For most people, the very first connection they form in life is with their mother. From birth, a mother is often the one who nurtures, comforts, and teaches us how to navigate the world. Through her attention and care, we learn how to value ourselves, build confidence, form healthy relationships, and develop emotional intelligence. But when a mother exhibits narcissistic tendencies, this fundamental connection can turn toxic—leaving emotional scars that follow us into adulthood.

A healthy relationship with a mother lays the groundwork for how we interact with others. It teaches us empathy, trust, and how to value our own worth. But if that relationship is riddled with emotional manipulation, criticism, or constant dismissal, it can lead to long-term issues like anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and a constant feeling of “never being good enough.” If you’ve ever grown up hearing things like “Why can’t you be more like your sibling?” or “You’re just being too sensitive,” you might have had a narcissistic mother.

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)?

The word “narcissist” gets thrown around a lot, usually to describe someone who’s arrogant or overly self-absorbed. But in psychological terms, narcissism exists on a spectrum. On the extreme end is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)—a diagnosable mental health condition. People with NPD often appear charming and confident on the surface, but underneath lies a fragile sense of self-worth. They seek constant validation, struggle with empathy, and tend to have unstable relationships.

Key characteristics of someone with NPD include:

• An exaggerated sense of self-importance

• Fantasies of unlimited power or beauty

• A strong need for admiration

• A sense of entitlement

• Manipulative behavior

• Lack of empathy

• Arrogant or dismissive attitudes

Ironically, despite their grandiose behavior, individuals with NPD are often extremely sensitive to criticism. This defensiveness can lead to problems at work, in relationships, and with their overall well-being. Studies suggest that people with NPD may also experience higher rates of anxiety, depression, and substance abuse.

How Narcissism Shows Up in Motherhood

When narcissism appears in the role of a mother, it can be incredibly damaging. Narcissistic mothers often invalidate their children’s feelings and achievements. If a child comes to her seeking comfort after being hurt, she may mock them or brush it off, calling them too emotional or dramatic. If she herself is the one who caused the hurt, she might shift the blame onto the child or deny any wrongdoing.

Over time, this emotional manipulation teaches children to distrust their own feelings. They may struggle to recognize what emotions are valid and which ones are not. This can lead to a lifetime of questioning their self-worth. Narcissistic mothers tend to constantly criticize their children, pushing them to achieve more, not because they care about the child’s success, but because it reflects positively on them. No matter what the child does, it’s never quite enough.

Things Narcissistic Mothers Often Say

Psychotherapist Lena Derhally outlines some common phrases narcissistic mothers use:

• “That never happened. You’re imagining things.”

• “I do everything for you, and you don’t even appreciate me.”

• “Why can’t you be more like your sibling?”

• “You’re so selfish. You never think about me.”

• “Don’t ask me. You already know the answer is no.”

• “I’m the only one who really loves you.”

Statements like these aren’t just mean—they’re designed to control, manipulate, and instill guilt. They tear down the child’s sense of identity and keep them emotionally dependent.

Creating Sibling Rivalry and Competing with Her Children

Narcissistic mothers often fuel sibling rivalry by playing favorites, comparing their kids, or pitting them against one another. This competition creates jealousy and resentment, fracturing the sibling bond. In some cases, especially with daughters, the mother may view her child as a rival—competing for attention from male family members or even trying to sabotage her daughter’s friendships and romantic relationships.

The Need for Control

For many narcissistic mothers, their children aren’t individuals—they’re extensions of themselves. This means they must dress a certain way, act a certain way, and make life choices that the mother approves of. The daughter, especially, may be expected to reflect the mother’s own tastes, lifestyle, and values. Any attempt at independence is seen as betrayal and met with harsh criticism. Over time, this erodes the child’s ability to make decisions and trust their own instincts.

A Double Life: Public vs. Private Persona

Out in the world, a narcissistic mother may seem like the perfect parent—generous, loving, and self-sacrificing. Friends and colleagues might admire her, and she carefully crafts a public image of a dedicated mother and wife. But behind closed doors, the reality is very different. At home, she may be cold, manipulative, critical, or completely emotionally unavailable.

This disconnect between public praise and private pain can be incredibly isolating for the child. No one believes their side of the story because their mother has mastered the art of performance.

The Long-Term Impact on Children

Growing up with a narcissistic mother leaves lasting emotional wounds. Children raised in this environment often struggle to form healthy relationships, fearing that no one will truly love them if their own mother didn’t. They might become high achievers, always chasing validation but never feeling like they’ve done enough.

They may also develop body image issues, placing excessive importance on how they look. Since they’ve never been taught to trust themselves, self-doubt becomes a constant companion. This lack of self-confidence can affect every area of life—from careers to friendships to romantic relationships.

It’s Not Your Fault

Perhaps the most important thing to remember is this: if you were raised by a narcissistic mother, her behavior is not your fault. You are not broken. You are not unlovable. Her inability to give you the love you needed stems from her own unresolved issues—not from anything you did or didn’t do.

Healing from maternal narcissism is possible, but it takes time and effort. Working with a therapist can help you unlearn the damaging messages you internalized and begin to rebuild your self-worth. You deserve kindness, love, and the freedom to be your authentic self—without shame or guilt.